How to Please a Woman
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Vegeta's quest to find the g-spot. Will he succeed? Come in and find out!
1. The Valley of the Labia

How to Please a Woman, by Dickfart

"Are you certain this will work?" Vegeta asked, standing naked in the middle of the room while Bulma pointed a shrink ray at him. She built it herself.

"Well, it's better than the ol' five seconds of snatch and snore that have been happening lately."

"You told me you finished!" said Vegeta indignantly. The transmitter in his ear made a sudden ear-piercing shrill, and he snarled. "Is that supposed to happen?"

"Oh, shut you. You big baby," said Bulma, then locked on to Vegeta's crotch and proceeded to shrink him balls first. He held up his balled fists in pure outrage.

"Curse you, woman!" Vegeta yelled, sounding like a chipmunk. By the time he was the size of a grain of rice, he sounded like a gnat.

"Ooooo Kaaaaay Hoooonnn eeeeeey flllyyyyyyy uuuuuup myyyyyyyy beeeeeeau tiiiiiiifffffffff ulllll puuuuuu ssssssssyyyyyyyy," groaned the enormous mountain region that made up his wife. If it weren't so pristine, and also his wife, this would be an ideal place to do battle with Cell and Frieza.

Vegeta had no time to fool around, though, because he needed to be fooling around with his woman. This trip was both work and pleasure. Her cave of wonders stood proud before the Saiyan prince, moist, imposing, and deserving of his eternal gratitude. He landed on her clitoris, got on his hands and knees, and kissed her soft flesh. He also bowed, chanted, and worshiped this holy land. His wife was his temple. He conjured a blutz wave and placed it on her bean before taking off. The sound she made was like t-rexes fucking. Vegeta assumed that was a good thing and moved right along.

Then he flew downward into the valley of the labia majora, eyes peeled for the vaginal opening as he navigated the forest of pubic hair. The walls below constricted back and forth, making the prince dizzy and disoriented. The heat and humidity were no joke either. This terrain was absolutely hostile, more ideal for training and sparring than the gravity chamber.

He was so tiny right now that he could hear the microbes prowling through the forest. Then an army flank of lice encountered him, guns at the ready.

"Halt. Who goes there?" said Louse 241.

"It is I, Prince Vegeta! I suppose you pests must be responsible for the itch in my pants lately."

"Who wants ta know?" said Louse 274.

"You won't live long enough to know the answer," said Vegeta, smirking arrogantly as he showered the flank in energy blasts. He caught them all square in the chest without even breaking a sweat, all but one lonely grunt in the back whose knees were quivering.

"P-p-p-p-please don't kill me. I didn't want to fight ya. Honest! I was drafted! Taken hostage, practically. Oh, won't you please let me g-"

Vegeta swooped in and kicked his head clean off.

"Oops. My foot slipped," said Vegeta, a cheeky grin on his face, a guffaw in his soul. Then Bulma's voice shrieked into his transmitter and ruined the whole moment.

"Are you there yet? What's taking so long?"

"Damn woman! I can hear you! Don't shout!"

Vegeta exploded off, sinking deeper and deeper into the valley below into the labia minora. It was dark. It was damp. It was flesh on flesh from here on out. Up this close it reminded Vegeta of bologna. And sex. With cheese. And mayo.

"There it is!" said Vegeta, laughing maniacally as he entered the deep, dark flesh cavern. "I'm inside, woman. Tell me where to go."

"OK, Vegeta. You'll find a spongy area of skin above you about a mile in. If you run into a wall of flesh with a hole in it, you've gone too far. That's my cervix."

"So?" said Vegeta. "I thought women take pleasure in having their cervix penetrated."

"A lot of men think that," said Bulma. "They're all wrong and should have to lick their own belly button for it. Especially if they're fat and covered in hair.

"Now pay attention. There are a lot of bacterial microbes and antibodies. They will consume your flesh if you're not careful."

"Like I'd let that stop me!" said Vegeta, who was like a kid in a candy store. Everywhere he looked were savage creatures picking at their kills. Millions and billions and trillions of dead sperm cells rotting at the base of Bulma's cooch, and Vegeta laughed at them all mercilessly.

"You were all unworthy candidates for Saiyan royalty." Vegeta laughed and fired up some energy blasts to torch their corpses.

"Oh!" said Bulma. "Whatever that was, keep doing it!"

"Very well," said Vegeta, blasting the area more and more, filling it with his super saiyan essence. This caught the attention of the local microbes, and they were most displeased.

"You have violated these sacred walls for the last time," said their leader, Lord Crieza. It was like Frieza and a bottle of Elmer's glue fucked and made that thing. Vegeta was most pleased. He had a chance to kill a Frieza look-a-like AND make his wife come. Vegeta was a true man.

Until Goku came in suddenly with a Ka-Me-Ha-Me-Ha wave and stole his kill, blasting Lord Crieza clear through the skull.

"Hey Vurgeeter," said Goku, pulling a hot pocket out of his hot pocket and eating it. Vegeta smacked it out of his hand. Goku was sad. It was the meatball and mozzarella kind.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" said Vegeta.

"I thought you could use a little help," said Bulma. "So I told Goku to get in there and show you how it's done."

"Show ME how it's done?" said Vegeta, enraged. "I'LL SHOW HIM HOW IT'S DONE! YOU SENT KAKAROT, THE MORON WHO COULDN'T FUCK HIS WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG, LET ALONE KISS HIS OWN WIFE?"

"Well, OK. Got me there. The truth is, Chichi begged me to send him..." Bulma admitted. "You both either need to find the g-spot, or get eaten by microbes. Either way, hurry up! I have to go to work today and I NEED to be glowing with sexual satisfaction or I'll be really upset, buster!"

"What do you said, Vegeta? Friends?" said Goku, holding out his hand to shake.

Vegeta turned and flew away.

Will Vegeta and Goku find the g-spot before Bulma has to go to work?

Will the creature known as Lord Crieza make a come back?

Will the their be an earth to return to at the end of sex?

All these answers and more, on the next exciting episode of

DRAGON

BALL

Z!


	2. Nyeh Cystward

On the last exciting episode of DRAGGIN' BALLZ ZEE

Bulma used her patented Capsule Corp Shrink-o-Ray to reduce Vegeta to the size of a seed.

"IS THAT SURPOSED TO HAPPEN?"

Meanwhile, in the depths of Bulma's vulva lied the conniving Lord Crieza, who would stop at nothing to take over the birth canal.

"Your time here is up!"

But wait! Goku comes to the rescue with a timely blow.

"SUCK HARDER, KAKAROT!"

Who will be victorious in the womb of royalty? Find out... TUH DAY!

DUh nuh NUH NUH nuh NUH NUH NUH! DUH NUH NUH! NUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! Duh duh duh!

"FUCK!" said Vegeta, observing a tight wall with a hole in it. "This is the cervix. We've gone too far!"

"What's a cervix?" said Goku. "Also, what is far?"

"Shut up, Kakarot. You know NOTHING!"

"Say Vegeta. You think if we go in that hole we'll find the kitchen? I'm starved!"

"No, idiot!" said Vegeta, balling his fists all madly. "In case you've forgotten, we reside in the most intimate temple of my wife's body. An area you are completely unfit to participate in, and every second of your presence offends me deeply."

"Aww, buck up, Virginia," said Goku, slapping each of Vegeta's buttcheeks. "We're friends now. Remember?"

"No!" said Vegeta, punching Goku's face. Goku just laughed, and then his stomach grumbled.

"Seriously, I'm starved. Let's get something to eat first. Then we'll go back and find the Lamborghini."

"That's LABIA, you dolt!" Vegeta sighed, and pinched his nose in a show of exasperated shame and sorrow for all of existence in this universe. "Not only does the female anatomy completely elude you, you haven't even gotten the correct body part!" Of course he was completely ignoring his earlier hangup with the cervix, but he'd take any opportunity to one up Goku that he could get honestly.

"Neeeeeeeed fooooooood," said Goku, finding shredded meat on the ring of Bulma's cervix. "Hey, cool! Beef jerky!"

Vegeta watched in horror as Goku gobbled up the lining of Bulma's uterus in one tremendous gulp. Vegeta tilted his head back to keep himself from vomiting, only to be distracted by Bulma's piercing shrill over the transmitter.

"Umm, hello! Did the two of you die down there? I'm still waiting to come! Whatever little energy thing to put on my clit is not working anymore. I need some REAL stimulation!"

"Bulma," said Vegeta, very seriously. "If I tell you what I just had the misfortune of witnessing, I'm going to be sick."

"What? Did you find a cyst, or something? Big deal. Get over it."

"Hi Bulma!" said Goku. "I just had some beef jerky from your Labrador. It was delicious!"

"... Vegeta. What is Goku talking about?"

"Gotta go, honey. Bye!" said Vegeta. He pulled out his transmitter, crushed it, and puked his guts out. Just then, a spray of blood blasted their gi like a fire hose, and the two men screamed and bolted away, Vegeta still retching.

"Kakarot, I've never felt-urp-more hatred for anything in this world than I-argh!-feel for you at this moment," said Vegeta, sweating violently and abating waves of nausea while he dripped blood.

"Why is Bulma's hoo hoo bleeding?" Goku asked, because he's fucking dumb.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE ALREADY!" Vegeta sent a Galick Gun hurdling in Goku's direction, which the larger saiyan dodged. It cauterized a blood dam that would not hold for long, and the walls shook around them, making Vegeta sweaty and sick once more. He almost prayed for death in this moment.

"Aww, come on, Vegeta. It's not all bad. I'm not even hungry anymore!"

"EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!" said Vegeta. "KAkaROT YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND I CANNOT FUCKING STAND TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID FACE ANYMORE. I SWEAR TO KAMI-SAMA I-"

"Bah huu uuu hah huu uuu hah!" a voice sounded from the ceiling, and both Saiyans stopped and looked up.

"Hey look!" said Goku. "That must be the g-spot."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Vegeta, although Goku was absolutely right. It was a fleshy area of spongy consistency. He at least had to investigate.

"Duh howdy y'all," said Spongewall Vaginapants, laughing and giggling as the Saiyans stared upon him with awe. "I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready!"

"That's it. I'm never having sex again," said Vegeta, pale as a ghost and bile raising in his throat once more.

"I think you're supposed to beat it up," said Goku. "Oh crap, here comes trouble."

"You'll never stimulate the g-spot on my watch," said Lord Crieza and his army of antibodies. There were literally billions of them. Goku had a big smile on his face.

"Say Vegeta. I'll take care of these guys while you attend to your wife. Deal?"

"NO!" said Vegeta, wanting nothing more to do with this. Bulma's anatomy was beautiful at a normal size, but up close it was a chortling conundrum plotting against him.

"Pffft! Pfft! PffT Pfffffffft!" the g-spot pffft'd all Sponge and Bobly.

"Great! Let's do it!"

Goku plowed into the massive army of microscopic beings fully intent on killing him while Vegeta pounded the sponge with his eyes closed, trying his hardest to bite back the waves of nausea. He wished he hadn't crushed Bulma's transmitter, because as soon as she came he wanted out of here! It wasn't like he hadn't felt this particular event out before, so he pummeled and drop-kicked the horrible, spongey being as it laughed, taunted, and sang him twenty verses of "The Krusty Krab Pizza" before the walls squeezed hard around them. She was on the verge of orgasm.

"MAY YOU AND YOUR WICKED FISHKIND NEVER LAUGH AND PLAY AGAIN!" said Vegeta, going super saiyan and firin up his ultimate attack. "FINAL FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!"

That did it.

The walls of the vagina crashed in, and waves of liquid pleasure and blood gushed toward the exit. Goku was in a sticky pickle, locked in a head-to-head pummel with Lord Crieza all the way out of the vagina. Many a microperson spewed from the opening, and outer microbes and parasites watched in awe as a rainbow formed from the erupting pleasure geyser, and many a scream was heard.

After one final energy blast, Goku laid waste to the weakened form of Lord Crieza, and Vegeta and Goku popped back into their normal sizes conveniently while Bulma watched.

"Wow, Vegeta. You really did it!" said Bulma, still panting. "Judging by your clothes, it looks like I've started my period."

Vegeta turned white as a sheet and ran into the bathroom, vomiting violently.

"Sheesh, what's his problem?" Bulma grumbled.

"I don't know, but I for one had the time of my life," said Goku, patting Bulma on the shoulder. "Call me again anytime!"

"Ugh, gross," said Bulma.

Meanwhile, in Bulma's vagina.

"I bet old man Vegeta will be back to visit any day now. Nyeh Cystward? Nyeh Cystward? Nyeh Cystward? Nyeh Cystward? Nyeh Cystward? Nyeh Cystward..."

"Ahhhhhh!" said Cystward, pulling out a gun and rupturing himself.

The End


End file.
